Yesterday Was A Hard Day

Yesterday was the day my babies should have been born. I am so sad and I am so pissed off. I just wish I knew with whom I was pissed off at...I feel like it is everyone these days. Especially myself. I went to the cemetery and that brought me some peace. I know they aren't there; but I somehow feel more connected to them when I am there. I miss them so much.

How the summer has changed for you since becoming an angel parent

June’s Topic:

The topic for June is Summer Memories/Plans. Another writing suggestion is how the summer has changed for you since becoming an angel parent.

*Note: this is a blog hop for bloggers who have been directly impacted by the loss of a child. Please do not add your post unless this applies to you, so as not to cause any unintentional hurt feelings. Thanks!*

There are a million reasons why this summer is different than it would have been if the babies had lived but I will try to keep this list short and succinct.

This summer is different because:

~Instead of having two newborns we still have no children here at home.

~I spend each Sunday morning at the cemetery.

~I would be making play dates with my three best friends and their babies but instead I struggle to even see their babies.

~I would have been out of maternity leave and therefore, my job wouldn't have been able to lay me off. Instead I am spending my days searching for a new job.

~I wouldn't have been healing from a major surgery.

~I wouldn't get tears in my eyes each time I see a pregnant women or babies. (Especially when I see twins which my neighbor has so I see them ALL.THE.TIME.)

~I wouldn't check the mail and find death certificates.

~I wouldn't have met some beautiful/wonderful ladies that I have met from my loss and TAC support groups.

A Good Weekend

I have to write about the good times with the bad, to help myself remember that it is not all bad. We had a pretty great weekend. Makayla came to stay from Friday to Monday and it was nice having someone else in the house. We went to the farmer's market, went swimming with Charlie, went out to eat and had my brother-in-law and sister-in-law and their three girls and my mother-in-law over on Sunday. We all walked down to the carnival at St. Chris's. We ate yummy food and the girls had a great time on the rides. Our youngest niece, Kate, was too big for the "baby" rides (her words) and it was bittersweet for all of us.

Monday I had an interview that went really well. They called me back for a final interview on Friday. The only problem is the commute. It is an hour + drive each way. Eeek. I am scared though to not accept it if they want me. What if I don't get another offer soon? I have a few more first phone calls lined up but nothing too far along. I guess I will figure it out if I get an offer. After my interview Makayla and I went and painted some pottery. It was a lot of fun! Neither of us are super artistic though...lol

Overall, great weekend though!

Time to Update This Blog (Detailed information about loss)

I have been avoiding updating this blog I started so long ago because in the last post I was happy. I was afraid typing it out would make it even more real. The loss we have suffered. I realized though that it cannot be anymore real than it already is. My babies are gone. They are not coming back. All the hopes, dreams and plans we had for our future as family and their future as individuals are gone.

On February 13, 2011 at 4:00am my little girl(Avery Elinor)was born. It was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I just remember crying and saying over and over again, "I can't." And the nurse asking me if my epidural was working and if I was in pain. Of course I was in pain, it felt like my heart was literally breaking into two. I just couldn't bring myself to push, even though the pressure to do so was overwhelming. Finally, Steve took my head in his hands and made me look at him. He said, "I know this terrible but you are the strongest person I've ever known and you can do this." Tears were running down his cheeks. Without ever looking away from him I did it...I pushed my little girl into the world and she was whisked out of the room.

Owen was up much higher and he was turned sideways but he was so small I would still be able to manage a vaginal delivery. It took almost an hour and a half of me pushing and my doctor pushing him down from the outside before he was born. I was so exhausted at that point. I hadn't slept in days and had cried more than I ever thought possible. I was at a point of exhaustion. Everything was getting blurry but at that time blurry was needed. I took more meds, not for the pain but for the fogginess they created. I didn't want anything to be clear. It took almost two more hours of pushing and doctors tugging and pulling to deliver both the placentas.

By now it was day light. I just remember seeing the sunlight and hearing birds chirping and wondering how that was possible? How the world was just carrying on even though in this tiny room Steve and I had just lost our two babies? It didn't seem plausible and it definitely didn't seem fair. I knew women in rooms on each side of me were having their babies too. But their babies would get to live. I was literally sick to my stomach over and over again. Finally they gave me an injection of something very powerful and I fell asleep. I didn't wake for hours. Family members came but I didn't open my eyes. I didn't want to open my eyes. I wanted it all to be a terrible nightmare.

It wasn't though. It is what happened. Now almost exactly 4 months later...just two weeks from when my babies should have been born, I am still here. I am still alive and still breathing somehow. It wasn't a nightmare but it will always be the worst day off my life. The pain is still there but it is bearable now. I am a different person. Better in some ways and worse off in others; but absolutely not the person I was before. Infertility brought on some of the change but those hours spent pushing my babies into the world knowing they couldn't stay, those really were the defining moments of the new me.

Right after the losing the babies I started seeing psychologist who specializes in grief. I know all about the varying stages of grief. Right I am feeling large amounts of guilt. Guilt for not holding them after they were born, the doctors had said the probably wouldn't survive the delivery at 18 weeks gestation but they both did. I didn't learn this until later. They were such little fighters. Avery lived for 9 minutes and Owen only for a few but he did have a heartbeat when he was born. I just don't know if I could have handled it but now I feel massive amounts of guilt for not having tried. The nurses took pictures of both of them and sent those to me but I have never opened the envelope. I just don't want to remember them that way. I want to remember the babies I saw at all of our ultra-sounds. Due to being IVF babies and all the complications we had during the pregnancy I had 11 ultra-sounds including one 3D elective. I have all those pictures. I look at them all the time. Avery was always flipping and kicking and moving. She always had a higher heart rate, I think it was from all that movement! Owen was so sweet and usually sucking his thumb. He would move but his movements seemed so delicate, so deliberate. I like to think this was indicative of what their personalities might have grown into but now we will never know. Those memories of the promise of what might have been are how I like to remember my babies.

I also feel guilty about possibility of trying to get pregnant again. The thought of losing another baby is too much to bear; but I also have this huge amount of worry that I will feel horrid knowing my body failed Avery and Owen but it gave another baby a chance at life.

This has become very long. Today I am not pregnant. Today I am mother but I do not have a baby to hold. Today I am doing my best to believe there has to be goodness in store for Steve and me somewhere down the road. Today I am trying to love and accept the new me.

Wow - I am actually Pregnant!

So there was a lot missed between my last post and where we are today. Lots of disappointment, stress, failure and lots and lots of shots.

Today though, I am pregnant. IVF worked for us and we are cautiously expecting of first baby/babies (we find out 11/26!) in July 2011!

I know some ladies keep this on line journal of their pregnancies so I thought I would start one up so I could look back at it later.


How far along? 4 week 4 days
Weight gain/loss: 115 lbs, I have actually lost weight. I think so of the crazy fluid retention and bloat from all the meds is starting to go down.
Maternity clothes? Nope. I do unbutton my pants occasionally but that is more because they hurt all the bruises on my tummy.
Stretch marks? No
Sleep? Yes all the time. It is all I want to do.
Best moment this week? Hearing our beta number had more than doubled!
Food cravings: None really...I am always hungry but nothing really sounds good.
Gender: Unknown
Belly button in or out? In
Movement? No just lots of cramps
What I miss? I miss being able to drink water and juice. (Still on a restricted fluid intake.)
What I'm looking forward to: Our u/s in two weeks!
Milestones: Getting pregnant!

Month 10

I am less than a week away from the 10 month mark. I am still waiting for useless cycle #8 to end. My hope is starting to fade. I see the gals on TTGP passing me by - some that started months after me are already starting their 8th cycle. I don't know why that matters to me right now but for some reason it does. I very much sympathize more than ever for the ladies that have REALLY long cycles or have cycles all the time where they do not ovulate. TTC is hard enough but knowing you are not even getting a shot every month is heart breaking.

My doctor wants me to move on to clomid and I am ready. I just want to have a predictable ovulation time. It is all waiting on Steve being ready to get tested. Even though my bloodwork showed everything is ok with me - I still believe my wacky cycle length have been hurting us more than anything and if we can just nail some really awesome timing that maybe that is all we need. Maybe I am just being naive again. I pray every night that there is nothing wrong with him. I can handle something being wrong with me but please not with him.

I guess only time will tell. Still two more months until the one year mark, where he has promised to get tested if no success. I try to stay busy but with every day it weighs more and more on mind.

I am so thankful for support I have found from the ladies I have connected with on the bump. Knowing there are women who are going through the same trials or have been through so much more than I have, helps keep it all in perspective.

I can't believe it has been over four months since I created my first post. Somehow typing all this out has made me feel better.

It is past midnight. I am going to try to sleep and hope I wake up feeling more hopeful and appreciative of the blessings I have in my life.

A Virtual TTC Journal

Back in July 2009 when my husband and I decided it was time for us to begin trying to have a baby I was a naive. Naive is the only word that can describe how easy I thought it would be to have a baby. I thought fertility was hereditary and for anyone who knows my family, getting pregnant has never been an issue. My mother conceived me and my two sisters while on birth-control. However, knowing my mom as I now do as an adult, I realize it is virtually impossible that she was able to take a pill at the same time every day. She is notorious for not even remembering to pay the electricity bill on time each month! So for her to do something at the same time everyday: Impossible. Hence her three birth-control babies. Still knowing as I do now, all of the things that have to go right for the end result to be pregnancy, I am amazed at all the unplanned births.

Alas, I digress, back to my own naivety. Unlike my mother, I am a planner. I plan for a living. It is what I do. And not to pat my own back, but I am a pretty darn good planner. I think it stems back to having a mother who does not plan anything. Having a baby, not so easy to plan. You can take your temperature every day, pee on hundreds of sticks, examine each bathroom activity with an eye of a private detective and still have virtually no control over the outcome each month's said activities.

I think the bright eyes, bushy tailed stage has pasted and I am now entering the frustrated stage. I remember being in Hawaii back in August 2009 about a month or so after we had started trying to conceive, and my husband beginning a sentence with, "If you are pregnant by Christmas..." before he could even finish his statement, I cut him off when an astonished, "What do you mean if? Of course I will be pregnant by then!" I am sure the amount of indignation on my face was measurable.

What is today's date? January 18th, 2010. I keep waiting for the moment when he remembers this conversation and give me his famous, "I told you so" look.

I don't know if I will ever make this blog public, but for now it is for me to remember the all the emotions I have felt during the process and hopefully be able to look back upon the days of waiting and say to myself, "And what were you so worried about!"